Believing part2
by Anna
Summary: Peter's niece came to Horizon


- Who's going to suggest a topic for discussion? - Peter asked, as they were sitting in main lodge near the fireplace. - Cyn…sorry, Cynthia, you want to start? Go on.  
Cynthia stood up.  
- I suggest the topic "being ashamed" - she said, looking straight at Peter's eyes, - about something you're ashamed most of all in your life…  
- How the group? - Peter asked.  
But the whole group didn't protest.  
- Okay, Cynthia, - Peter said, - do you want to start?  
- Later, - she said, - well..let Jules start, if she doesn't mind.  
Juliette stood up:  
- I'm ashamed for running away, and more than that for trying to avoid Auggie after that. Everyone knows he ran away only because of me, and I did like a traitor. Fortunately, he understood and forgave me. - she smiled at Auggie and sat back. - Ezra, your turn.  
- Well…I was ashamed for my foolhardiness, when I finally felt from this bridge. I behaved like a fool. And most of all I'm ashamed for trying to kill myself last year. I'll never try this again, - David…  
  
They all stood up and one after another told what they were ashamed of…Cynthia didn't hear them, she needed just one answer,  
- Cynthia, - Shelby, the last one said, - Now your turn.  
Cynthia shrugged:  
- Perhaps, I feel ashamed for being here. My parents never expected me to be at such school .  
- Sounds strange, because our parents every time told us when we were babies " Honey, you'll go to the school for troubled kids, when you'll grow up a little, so be prepared for that.", - David interrupted her  
Everyone laughed, but Peter gave David a reproachful look, and the laughing stopped.  
- So, perhaps, I did something bad, if my Mom and Dad sent me here, so I'm ashamed, - Cynthia finished, - Peter…  
He seemed very calm, standing up, like all the kids just did.   
- I guess, Cynthia brought this topic only because of me, - he said, - and I know what exactly she wants to hear from me.   
Cynthia was surprised, how he's holding himself, just his blue eyes became steel gray.  
- Yes, Cynthia, I 'm still ashamed about visiting your parents when I was a drug-addict and asking my brother for money. He throw me away, and I can't blame him for that. There are things we are ashamed of through the whole life, but it doesn't mean we can't raise ourselves from the bottom.  
- But that's not the only thing I'm ashamed of. Last year I barely didn't fall into drug-addiction again, as I got the painkillers for my knee. I'm ashamed I didn't admit it at first. I have no secrets from you, everyone here knows about my past, everyone knows that being a drug-addict, even clean for many years, means some risk. I'm learning to live with this, such as some of you. We're helping each other here. That's all…  
He sat down…  
Cynthia glanced around, trying to notice the reaction of the group…Nothing had happened. Nobody was shocked, like she was expecting…  
While the group discussed other topics, she just sat silently looking at her shoes. As they finished, Shelby approached her:  
- Hey, miss Perfect, did you think, we'd stop trust him after that? You've brought your eggs to the wrong market. We'd never trust you, if he was perfect.  
- She's right, - Daisy added, - he'd never understand every of us, if he didn't come through this himself. You could be disappointed…  
They passed by her to the dorm, but as she stood up as well, Peter stopped her:  
- Cynthia come here for a minute  
"If he'll slap me in the face, I couldn't blame him, - Cynthia thought  
But she didn't notice any sign of anger in his eyes, they were bright blue again.  
- I think this is time for your solo trip., - he said, - All others already did this.   
- What is it? - Cynthia returned to her skeptical tone  
- That's a solo trip , sitting in the woods for some time, thinking, reflecting…Usually, that's for three days, but as you're a newbie, that could be one day and one night enough for you if you don't mind…I know you were a girlscout once, so you have the necessary skills, how settle a tent, or built the fire . If you're forgotten, I'll help you…I think that's what you need.  
- You're kidding? - Cynthia asked, - Stay there in this wilderness all alone - isn't it dangerous? I'd better think in more comfortable place, ok?  
Peter shook his head:  
- The nature wakes up your inner feelings. The theme of your solo is rediscovering the child within you. Also, we'll put into your backpack something from home that we had your parents send  
- Sounds stupid, - Cynthia shrugghed  
There is the cabin , it's a home base. All of solo sites are within two miles of there, but before I'll take you to your individual site I want you to look around, get your bearings, know where you are so you can get get back here, in case of any kind of an emergency, fast.   
  
Now remember, even though it's called a solo, I'll still be checking up on you periodically. But I won't intrude.   
- So, you'll be in a cabin, warm and safe, while me will freeze there in a tent? - Cynthia asked, - It's not fair!  
- Okay, - Peter unexpectedly agreed, - I don't want this to bother you,. As there is no more students in this trip, I'll make a tent for myself within…within a mile or so from you. How do you like it?  
- Sounds stupid anyway , but you're a boss here, - Cynthia answered. She still felt ashamed a little. But most of all she was afraid that being alone, she couldn't help to think about Steve…  
  
Cynthia Scarbrow was sitting on the riverbank looking at nowhere….  
What she could prove to them and to Peter? Just nothing. She just made herself a fool, that's all.  
Those kids were very strange, she thought. They immediately stood for Peter, as if he was their best friend, not their teacher, or even a kind of warder…Seems, most of them came here against their will…  
And what is this stupid idea of sitting in this mud alone, looking at the old stuff her parents sent from home?  
Cynthia sighed and dug into her backpack . She withdrew a large illustrated book, and her eyes suddenly filled with tears…"James Barry. Peter Pan", - she read….  
  
She suddenly remembered her seven's birthday. Her parents made a party for their grown-up friends. They all were having fun, not paying attention on Cynthia at all. When she tried to remind Ma that this is HER birthday, she was told to go to her room and stay there.  
Cynthia was sitting there crying …she felt so sorry for herself, so small and lonely, and thought about how she hates all the grown-ups…  
Suddenly, someone knocked at the door.   
- Come in! - she said, wiping her tears. She didn't want Mom or Dad to see her crying.  
But this was her Uncle Peter, Dad's younger brother.  
He looked at her tear-stained face just for a second, then bent to her ear and whispered:  
- I have an idea - let's run away from here!  
- Run - away?! - her eyes widened, - Where?  
He shrugged:  
- Somewhere…we'll see. Do you like it?   
- Yes! - Cyn's eyes lit up, - Did you tell Ma or Dad?  
- No, they are busy with the guests. We'll take them a letter.  
  
They spent all the day walking through the Central Park, feeding ducks, and talking. Then they had a lunch at the fancy restaurant. Cyn was in such a place for a first time…  
After that they stopped at the book store, and Peter asked her to choose any book she wants. She chose the "Peter Pan" tale by J.Barry, the large beautifully illustrated book.  
On the way back she told him:  
- Peter, why you are not like other grown-ups?  
He grinned:  
- Truly said, I never wanted to became a grown-up, but I have no much choice…  
- You know, you look much like this Peter, - she pointed on the picture in her new book,  
He put a finger on his lips:  
- That could be our secret…You don't mind, if I'll knock at your window someday ?  
Cynthia smiled:  
- No  
- Okay, you know exactly, your name is not Wendy? - he teased  
- I'd be glad, but…- Cyn smiled in answer  
- Don't worry, Cynthia is a good name as well. - Peter said.  
  
They returned home late evening, tired but happy. Marc and Virginia Scarbrow were dissatisfied with their unexpected disappearance. So was Aunt Chloe. She was angry that Peter didn't talk with some businessman who was among the guests, and she called Peter careless and childish.  
But Peter and Cyn didn't care, they just exchanged glances and smiled to each other, sharing their secret….  
  
Peter didn't visit his brother very often, but every time he came, he brought her small gifts, every time guessing right what she wanted…Last time he looked very happy, and , as Cyn asked him, he answered proudly that , seems, Aunt Chloe is expecting a baby.  
- So, you will spend your time with this baby, not with me? - Cyn asked jealously.  
- No, I promise, I'll find time for you both…Promise.  
  
Then something wrong had happened. As she asked her parents about Peter, they told he's very busy…Then she had heard from some grown-ups' talking that Peter and Aunt Chloe divorced because she didn't want to have kids…More than that, he started to drink and use drugs…  
Cyn knew who are alcoholics and drug-addicts- the kind of people she must stay from as far as possible. She didn't believe Peter became one of them…  
  
A year later 9-years -old Cynthia had heard some angry voices from downstairs and peeped out from her room. Dad pushed away from their house some long-haired man in ragged jeans and second-hand looking sweater.  
- Get out of here! - Dad yelled  
- Marc, listen…- the man's voice was familiar. Very familiar, - Please, I need some help…I'm going to leave and quit all this. I need some money for first time….I'll pay you back,  
- You - will- pay - me - back?! - father asked sarcastically. - Really? Just look at yourself Don't lie - you just need money for your dope - or how you call this stuff! I don't want to support your addiction!!! Get out!  
- Please, Marc, - the stranger said quietly, - I never asked you for help before…but…you're my brother.  
- YOU HAVE NO BROTHER!!! - Dad yelled  
- What's happened? - Ma appeared from kitchen, - Who is he? I'll call the police.  
- No, Ginny, - Dad said, - that's…  
She recognized Peter.  
- How you dared to come here?! - she was furious, - GET OUT OF HERE, PETER !  
- Peter!!! - Cynthia called from upstairs. He raised his head to look at her…Her parents didn't believe that he needed help, but she did immediately. His eyes were full of pain, fear and loneliness…they asked …no, screamed for help. Ma and dad could be blind not noticing this…  
He stepped back to the door.   
Cynthia rushed downstairs , and, before parents could stop her, hugged Peter as tightly as she could, digging her face into his dirty sweater.  
-   
- I always knew you'll come back!, - she cried, - you couldn't just disappear….Please, stop this…please, for me…I know, you can…  
-   
Peter didn't say a word, he just looked at her, and she could swear there were tears on his eyes.  
He reached up his hand to put it on her shoulder. But Ginny Scarbrow collected herself and said again:  
- Peter, we're asking you to GO AWAY! Immediately! Cyn, come here!!!  
  
Instead of it, Cyn turned to her:  
- Didn't you hear?! He needs help. Daddy, give him money…please…please!  
- No, Cyn, - her father said firmly  
- How you could tell this?! - she raised her voice, - That's Peter! He's down, he needs help…don't you see?!  
- No, Cyn! - Marc answered, - Please, go to your room!  
She gave him a furious look:  
- Peter, wait! - she said and rushed to her room.  
There was a plastic piggy bank on her table, Cynthia saved money for the house and car for Barbie doll. Her father could buy her all this stuff, of course, but he thought, this would be pedagogically wise, if she will save this money herself, gradually.  
The key was in father's room, so she just threw the chest on the floor and the brittle plastic broke. Cynthia immediately shook out all the coins into her pocket and ran downstairs.  
But Peter was nowhere to be seen.  
- Where is he?!! - Cynthia yelled, - Where is he?!  
Virginia shrugged:  
- Just left…Perhaps he finally felt ashamed for his" visit."  
Cynthia stopped and gave her mother angry look:  
- You threw him away?! He came to ask for help, but you just pushed him away?! Why?!- The flood of tears finally flew from her eyes.  
- Cyn, - Marc's voice was calm but firm, - I have to talk to you. Come on.  
He took her hand and headed her to his room  
  
- I understand your feelings, Cyn, - he said, - you always loved Peter…But truth is he's not Peter you knew anymore. He's an alcoholic and drug-addict.  
- He needed help, and you had to help him, - Cynthia repeated stubbornly  
- No, Cyn, he just needed money for his drugs. Those people, drug-addicts, could think just about taking another dose of this stuff, they are able to hurt or even kill other people if they need money for their addiction….  
Cynthia shook her head angrily:  
- Peter never could hurt anybody!!! He's your brother, you know he couldn't!!!  
- Cyn, - father put his hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off, - he's different now.  
- No, - she cried, - Peter was glad to see me, and he was ashamed for asking you for money. He looked just awful, … he told you he want to stop!  
- He's just cheating you…all of us. As I told you, all he needed is another dose. He doesn't need his family, me…even you. Just his drugs. Nobody could help those people… Cyn, I know, this is not very good comparison …but…if your dog, who always was your best friend, someday became rabid…that's not your dear friend anymore, and the best you can do for her - to stop her suffering, at least, stay as far from her as possible.  
Cynthia started to cry.  
- I know, you feel sorry for him. - Marc Scarbrow continued, - So am I. So is your Mom. Peter was a good man, he loved you as his own daughter. But we must realize this time is over…  
Cyn lifted her tear-filled eyes on her father:  
- You're speaking about Peter as if he's already dead…   
- I'm sorry, Cyn, - he sighed, - but now it's just a matter of time…  
The girl gave him a hateful look:  
- I don't believe you. All I know, that Peter was pleading you for help,. And you just pushed him away.  
Still crying, she rushed to her room.   
- Once you'll understand, that we were right, Cyn! - her father said to her back  
  
Cynthia was sure, that she will never forgive her parents, but she was wrong. With time, Cynthia Scarbrow convinced herself that Dad was right. Dad and Ma were always right, they knew about life much more than herself and she used to obey…   
"People who let their habits to overcome them are vicious, and nobody of them deserve to be sympathized. " - there were her mother's words, and they became Cynthia's credo. When her classmate was hurt at motorcycle accident, she didn't visit him, as all the class did. Two of three times she noticed him smoking marijuana. Perhaps he was not sober riding his bike, so that was his fault. - That was what Cyn said to justify herself…Some of her friends turned away from her, but she didn't care much. People who couldn't keep in check their bad habits didn't exist for Cynthia Scarbrow… until she once came to the rock concert. Usually she preferred books and theater, but she liked to watch this group by TV…Then everything changed, and her life turned around.  
Steve was not the kind of guy Cyn liked. Quite the contrary, that was the unsuitable acquaintance. He barely not knocked her down with his roaring bike. His hair was too long and disheveled by Cyn's taste, his jeans were dirty and torn, there was an ugly tattoo on his right shoulder…On top of it all, there was half-empty bottle of beer in his hand….  
The one and only thing that could unite them was the group on the scene, they both enjoyed. They exchanged a few words…then his hand laid on her shoulder, and she, to her wonderment, didn't throw it away…When the show finished, Cyn unexpectedly had found herself sitting behind him on his bad-smelling bike, and even let him to kiss her as he brought her home. In spite of his aggressive look, he was shy and gentle with her….  
  
Since this time her life became happy and awful at the same time- as there were two different girls inside her. Part of her still wanted to be perfect and intolerant to other's flaws. But another part didn't care about all this stuff and wanted just to be with Steve, to rush at full speed on his bike and enjoy the freedom and happiness he gave her…  
They two liked each other's company, although Cyn was raised in perfect and rich family, and Steve lived with his older sister who was a barmaid, and their alcoholic mother…Steve and Cyn became more and more open to each other, and one day he told her this…   
Steve was a drug-addict…He was on heroine for more than five months, that wasn't serious, he thought at first, but soon Steve became aware how this addiction swallowed him up like a morass. He never thought he could ever be so scared in his life, he told her…He 's afraid , he can't come through it alone and wants her to help…  
  
Cynthia saw fear and despair in his eyes, and it caused some hazed memories from long time ago…some unpleasant talk with her father.  
- Sure, I'll try! - she wanted to tell him, but instead of this she had heard her own voice, the voice of Perfect Cynthia Scarbrow:  
- So, you're a junky?! I'm sorry, Steve, I have nothing to help you. I can't stay with you until you will overcome this…You know, people who can't overcome their addiction don't exist for me.  
He looked into her eyes and she felt as if her heart exploded from inside.   
Then he took her home and rode away. His last words were: - Seems, people don't exist for you at all, Cyn…  
  
Marc and Ginny told her that she did right. They were proud of her: nobody could help those drug-addicts, the best thing is to stay as far from them as possible." That's wonderful, you weren't together yet…you understand what I mean, Cyn", - her mother said, - No more any drug-addict in Scarbrow family"  
Cynthia just lowered her head and said nothing - she didn't want her mother to see her crying.  
Day by day, she convinced herself, that she was right pushing Steve away, but nobody knew how she missed him…  
  
Two weeks after Steve's sister Shelly called her:  
- Steve is in hospital, - she said, - I don't know why but he wants to see you.  
- What's wrong with him? - Cyn asked  
- OD…So, you'll come?  
- No, - Cyn answered, - I'm sorry…  
- That was your fault, - Shelly said and hung the receiver…  
  
That was her fault, Cynthia knew this… …She wanted to be perfect, she wanted them to be proud of her - but now she couldn't be proud of herself. She was a traitor….  



End file.
